Narcissism and You (Part 2)

(and why everyone is so unhappy)

In part 1 I covered the basics of what narcissism is. If you read the Wikipedia page on narcissism you’ll see a bunch of different types of narcissism, but they are all based on the different effects of narcissism. The varied ways that it manifests.

Wait, so what’s wrong with thinking I’m great? Nothing, if you are actually great. But, if you aren’t “great” and you spend all of your time trying to project yourself as being great – if all your resources are spent trying to convince everyone of how “great” you are – then you’ve got a serious problem.

This blog entry needs examples!

I’m sure you could figure this out, but I’m going to cover the basic examples first… douche bags.

I have a feeling you may be a douche.

Let’s start with the “Jersey Shore” douche. Not specifically the people on the show Jersey Shore, but the type of person they represent. Why not the kids on the show? It’s on TV, it isn’t real, not even when they call it reality. I’d dye myself orange and wear Ed Hardy too if someone paid me 30k an episode (but I’m a whore).

Anyway, why the orange tan, big muscles, Ed Hardy clothes, crazy hair, etc.? Is it because they think it looks good? I’m going to guess they never really thought about it that way. Is it because girls like it? Some do, but that’s not the point. Here is the deal, they want to date hot girls, but don’t think that hot girls would go for the real them. Some where, some how, they became convinced that the “type” of hot girls they wanted to date only went for that “type” of guy. The type part is important. They cast themselves in a movie where the cool dude gets the hot girl. It’s their internal struggle with not feeling good enough to get the girl as themselves that causes them to behave this way. So, either consciously or unconsciously, they decide to try and trick the girls into thinking they are “that guy.”

Why do they keep doing this? It works – kind of. Some girls do fall for it, but I’m going to guess it is because the girls are too busy thinking about themselves to notice the act. These girls are probably busy playing the same game. High heels to make them look taller and thinner, makeup to hide their features, breast implants – because they think guys find giant fake boobs sexy.

Can you guess why divorce rates are so high?

Okay, that one was sort of a softball. Let’s talk about the business douche!

Everyone knows the guy, bought a house he could barely afford, wears only the finest Italian suits, drives a car with a monthly payment that could feed a small village… but he is only middle management. Meanwhile he is spiraling into debt, barely holding his family life together and taking a handful of antidepressants every day. It’s difficult keeping up with the Joneses. So why bother? This guy has it in his head that being a man means being successful. He was never sure what success meant though, so he ended up just emulating other successful people. There is a reason they are called Status Symbols and not just Status. Anyone can buy things.

Why is his family life falling apart? Because all his energy is spent keeping up the appearance of his success, so he is ignoring them. He probably also married his counterpart – the girl who wants to be with the most powerful man. Hopefully you can imagine her reasons by now. Either way, she was probably too worried about how her husband appeared to ever get to know him. That would mean connecting – but she spends all her time trying to convince her girl friends how awesome her life is. If he lost his job? Divorce. His whole identity of the successful business-man would be ruined and he’d nosedive into depression (or worse) – and she can’t be seen with a loser. Maybe she cheats first, maybe he shoots her then himself – after all, once he loses his hot wife, his whole identity is gone.

That last part is called Narcissistic Rage and it is the result of a Narcissistic Injury. Remember it! That is usually why seemingly normal people end up doing very horrible things. The news will never say it, because they have their own shit to sell, but that is almost always the reason. Trust me, I’m a blogger.

“If narcissism is the exertion of will towards the maintenance of ego– trying to get everyone to see you the way you want to be seen, and to get them to act the way you need them to act– then a narcissistic injury would be the discovery of the limitations of your own power.”

The Last Psychiatrist

There are times to be angry, but they need to be proportional to the cause of the anger. If you have ever witnessed someone exhibit intense rage for what appeared to you to be no reason, this is it. Something happened that opposed their preferred reality. Something happened that showed their constructed identity for what it was, fake.

“When you find yourself hating someone (who did not directly hurt you) with blinding rage, know for certain that it is not the person you hate at all, but rather something about them that threatens your identity.  Find that thing.  This single piece of advice can turn your life around, I guarantee it.”

– The Last Psychiatrist

Think about that. Think about yourself.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

Carl Jung

And then there is the age old advice:

“Know Thyself”

– Someone, probably in Ancient Greece.

It’s okay, God knows I’m a good person… Really, which God did you pick, the one that thinks like you? Don’t you think an all-knowing being could tell if you are faking it?

Why do you think the military tries so hard to break a recruit down during basic training, only to build them back up? The military doesn’t need a bunch of teenagers playing soldier – they need actual soldiers. They have their work cut out for them.

When it comes to self-knowledge, it really is all about you. No one can tell you who you are – and you can’t tell anyone else who you are. No one cares what you say. You are defined solely by your actions. It does not matter what anyone else thinks of you. Learn to enjoy who you are. Throw away all the extra baggage that our society has heaped upon you – it does not make you. “Be yourself” is the best and hardest advice you’ll ever follow.

If you want to read more about narcissism (and I think you should) – you can check out the Wikipedia page, but I’d really suggest you start reading The Last Psychiatrist, specifically the posts tagged with Narcissism. There is a good chance I have no clue what I’m talking about, but he does.

Note: I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist, nor have I played one on TV.

3 thoughts on “Narcissism and You (Part 2)

  1. Pingback: Narcissism and You « Jermismo's Blog

  2. Don’t you think telling a narcissist to be themselves is a little bit counter productive? (or anyone with a serious social disorder for that matter…)

    Honestly, I define having morals the same way you define narcissism… I think that every action you take every moment of every day you have choices you can make and you conciously choose to be who you are, and if you’re going to do the “right” thing. Where by “right” is just a set of ideals that society has programmed into you. Though that’s just my laymans uneducated opinion. And I know you did say “you are defined soley by your actions” so maybe were on the same page and I’m just being a smart ass, not sure.

    I’ve always assumed a narcissist was someone who didn’t care about what others thought, only themselves, that’s how narcisus died right? Caring about how handsome HE thought he looked… not how handsome other people thought he looked. I struggle with both sides of this problem in different areas (and I think most people do) where in some instances we care too much what other people think (this one can bite you hard, you can never make everyone happy), and in other instances I forget that other people even have input/feelings/opinions (also bites pretty hard.)

    At any rate, I think that if you have a natural problem that causes undesired results, being yourself is bad advice (because being yourself is what causes the problem — otherwise its not a “natural” problem) and should get help. The know yourself stuff in this post (especially regarding inproportionate anger) is super golden advice. As the last psycho, I’m going to have to check out this The Last Psychiatrist blog.

    Also for anyone reading this who is not Jeremy (fuck, how narcissistic is that?) I would also like to point out that contrary to what the ladies may tell you I am also not a doctor (On narcissism: in for a penny, in for a pound. Also if you’re going to do it, do it right.)

    P.S. I probably shouldn’t be allowed on the internet after 2 am…

    • Saying anything to a narcissist that isn’t, “yes, I agree that you are who you want me to think you are” is pointless. This is less for the narcissists and more for everyone else. Know thine enemy.

      The real difference between right and wrong is a tricky subject (maybe another blog post). The problem with a narcissist is that they never learned what right and wrong are, let alone how to tell them apart. That’s why they don’t feel guilt. But, it doesn’t matter, they are playing a character anyway. In a normal situation (one that doesn’t threaten their character) they are just going to do what the character would do, as long is someone is watching.

      Narcissus came down to us as a story. At this point, even he isn’t real. Freud gave us the word narcissist to describe what this type of person appears to be. Not how they got there. He had his theories, but they were a little off the mark.

      “Be yourself” is great advice, but it is a bit misleading too. It doesn’t mean to stay the same as you are now, real people change. I think I may have to write a blog post on this too… we’ll see.

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